Will I ever walk again?

A few weeks after the accident when I first went to TIRR, during my entrance evaluation a therapist asked me what my goals were while there. I'm pretty sure I said something like, "Uhhh, well, I mean, I want to walk again." I was still pretty fresh from the wreck, I had a neck brace and a very fractured scapula, and I had no real idea of my prognosis. I had heard of spinal cord injuries, but I couldn't really resolve it in my mind that THAT's what I had. It hadn't clicked that the thing that keeps people in wheelchairs their whole lives, THAT was what had happened. My friends and family all said they were sure I'd be up and walking soon, and I thought for sure they were right.        

In the 3 weeks I was there at TIRR, my therapists very kindly but plainly let me know that I had the kind of injury that could take up to two years to heal if it was going to, but which might never heal at all. My job was to "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." I learned that the thing about physical therapy is that while it's awesome, it's limited. Therapists can work any muscle that has return (some function restored to it), but when there's no return naturally, there is very little a therapist can do to force it. Some research suggests that electro stimulation can help as well as bearing weight on the paralyzed muscles, but it's ridiculously far from a guarantee. After that stay at TIRR, I went to my mom's house for 4 months to give my neck and scapula time to heal enough to allow me to bear weight. While I was there, I watched my family shoulder the burden of my care, which took a great toll on everyone involved, while I sat around feeling virtually useless, unable even to sit up unsupported on my bed.

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When I went back to TIRR, I had a very different set of goals in mind. I wanted to learn how to transfer with a slide board, dress myself, manage my own bodily functions (a subject for an upcoming post), push a manual chair, cook, and get on with the functions of daily life. I wanted to build my arm strength and practice using my hands. I wanted -- needed -- to learn how to use my  body as it was, not as I wanted or hoped it would be. My amazing occupational therapist Katie and physical therapist Adele worked their butts off with me, and though I didn't leave TIRR completely able to do everything I needed to do, I had the building blocks. I can never show them the gratitude I feel for all they did. All it took from there was practice (and a lot of patience on Ty's part!).

The question I get asked most by old friends who don't see me often is something along the lines of, "So how's physical therapy going? Can you walk yet?" The answer is no, and barring some serious medical advances, I probably never will. What's more, I'm not actively trying to do so. I am working toward getting a job and a vehicle I can drive myself. I'm looking forward to learning more and more things I can do.

I have a husband and two little boys who need me now, not just at some theoretical future time when I can walk again. If I could get all my friends and family to understand anything about me, it would be this: I am ok with my disability. There are things I miss from before and a few things I regret I won't be able to do, but overall, I know there are more possibilities than impossibilities.

So would it be great to walk again? Sure. But I've got more important things to do.